No Light

Being a Christain is hard................I am trying to do everything right, but I'm sorry I can't do it. I guess that I am just not cut out to be a christian, it is hard cause I have already said so many bad things today that I just don't even get the point to keep trying. I guess that it's easier for everyone else, I must be different. I would probably do better if there was like a light in a person that could lead the way for me, but everyone at my school is not christian and not the best people in the world. Everything and everyone around me is falling apart and it's trying to bring me down and it eventually will, so if I know that I can't succeed then why keep trying. I don't get it, how can everyone at church go to school be cool and still be a Christain, at my school I just can't cut it when I'm goody good all of the time. I don't want to end up loosing all of my friends, but it is just a hard decision to make. I don't want to make this decision, I need advice and I have no one to go to, I think that I should just stick to the way I am used to things, cause change is definitely not my friend.

Re-acceptance

OK, sorry that I have not been posting lately but no ones reading so it doesn't matter :(
Well this blog is not about being read it is about being written. To tell you the truth I have not been in complete faith in God for the past couple of months, but Rod Bollins taught a lesson at church that just clicked something in my brain. Everything about God just makes sense to me! Like Gos does exist people, he is real, he is there for you, and most of all he died for you. This is real stuff, and I learned from everything, that there is evidence that God exists. I suddenly realized that the only reason why I was asking so many questions was because I was avoiding what I already new, but I am proud to say that I have accepted God as my eternal savor. I honestly believe that God is there and is watching every move that I make. I love it how all of a sudden I am so sure of myself, how I suddenly can go out there and tell people the truth about life and the way that you should be living it! Sorry if this blog is a little confusing but I just needed to tell everyone that I honestly believe that God exists and that I HAVE FAITH!!!!

Drugs~or Not

Differences~can mean alot of different things. But what if you were different in a good way, but you didn't want to be. Ok I probably lost most of you, but look, I admit that I have alot of friends that do drugs and smoke weed, and I get offered alot, and everyday it gets harder and harder to turn down. I want to be cool and fit in with what everyone else is doing, but I don't want to do drugs or smoke. I am proud to say that I have never done any of that, but then again I am not saying that I have never thought about it and wondered about it. I'm just saying that everyone out there who do that stuff aren't bad people, they are just making bad choices.I don't want to get involved but I don't want to lose my friends either.
I hope that later in the future that when I'm older, that my kids will never have to make big choices like this. I'm not writing this for sympathy and other crap, I am just writing this so that everyone out there can be on the look out for anyone who looks stoned and to please report them because not everything can stay quite forever~I just hope that no one else has to deal with those pressures ever, I hope that everyone makes the right decisions and stays away from that kind of stuff, because trust me guys, its not worth it.

Questions~No Answers

When I wake up in the morning I instantly go to the mirror to see how bad the damage is, I cant help but wonder, how can God think that this is beautiful. How can he actually think that I can make a difference in the world, I can barely keep up my 4.0 GPA. So how am I supposed to change the world surrounding me? I ask myself these questions everyday and I still have no answer. My one dream is to know what to do with my life, everyone around me at church and at home tell me to pray about it and listen to what he tells me? But I don't know about you, but I don't just look at the sky and start hearing strange voices. When I go to church the teacher says, pray and listen. I have hit teenage years and I still can't comprehend anything. I am really questioning weather God is there our not, and if he is, then why is he forgetting me? Why is he forgetting to talk to me and forgetting to have a relationship with me. I still don't get it and I have been wrestling with these questions alot. I bet that I will hit 30 and still not understand it. I need help but have no one to go to. No one that I have gone to so far has given me a straight answer on what to do and how to feel. Everything is so confusing and I think that at this point I am just going to church cause my parents are telling me to. I have been crying for the past nights because I believe that I am losing my faith. I don't want to lose my faith, but I have no way of stopping this! Everything around me is distracting me and I cant get out of the hole that I have been digging for myself. I have opened the can of worms and now can't get them back in. Things are falling apart before my eyes, and I hate it.

Uglyness~Different Forms

Throughout all the years that I have been living on this planet I have seen ugliness in many different forms! For me~ this weeks form of ugliness is in the form of a large red bump on my face. Every time I look in the mirror I think "Dear God What is that Thing." Everywhere I turn I seem to get a glimpse of what I look like and I can't get out of my head how ugly I look.Being ugly on a weekend is not big deal but tomorrow I have to face the torture of school.When I am at home and church I could care less what I look like, but when I go to school tomorrow, that is all that I am going to worry about! Everyone at school will look at my face and then I will be able to feels their eyes burning on the ginormous pimp that has happily made a home on my forehead. Ugliness has also come my way in a different form. It has come in the way a person treated me. Today me and my ultimate best friend, Anthony, where supposed to go to the mall and hang out. Instead of hanging at the mall, Anthony, decided to go to the fair instead and not tell me until the last minute. Now I don't know about you but I really do not like being treated like I don't exist. So beware for everyone who is reading this!!! Ugliness comes in many different forms but finding them is the easy part, dealing with them is harder, trust me I should know.

Girls~Drama

I don't get why girls have to make everything so dramatic, I mean boys just walk up to you and tell you exactly how it is, but girls will ignore you our give you dirty looks and make you feel bad for stuff that you didn't even do. Every girl that I have ever met has always had some kind of drama with another girl, I mean girls are just so totally mean.
Men use their strenght to hurt other people, but women use their brains and expressions to hurt people. A man can use his fist and punch you in the face, and yes it will hurt, but a women can manipulate, back stab, and scowl to make you hurt and that kind of hurt will never leave you. Now every person on this planet has heard the phrase that sticks and bones might break your bones but words will never hurt you. I am telling you straight up that this ia a lie. This might not be for all girls but when you get hurt you atamatically retaleat,right? So lets say that a special person in my life hurt me, naturally I would like revenge on that person now. But revenge is a heavy thing to carry with me everywhere I go. I have noticed that when you carry revenge in your heart that it effects the way that you treat and talk to others. I have been treating people badly and unfairly this week and I have discovered that it was because I am a girl and Drama just happens to find me. So I apologize if I have treated you badly this week, I was just going through another girl/drama stage in my life! All of my unkindness that I have shown this week all started with girls~drama and is now ending so that everyone around me can enjoy being with me instead of dreading it!

Balance

I watch everybody everyday go about their lives at ease, but when I look in the mirror and see my own life, everything looks hectic and crazy. Alot of people say that their eighth grade year was one of the best years of their lives. I don't get how this year is going to be one of the best years of my life, I mean I have so much work to do in between everything else like chores, that at the moment I don't really have a life to live. All of the homework that I get in one day is insane, History,English, and Science are so much to handle but math is the craziest class that I have ever taken. This year I tested into Honors algebra and on the first day the teacher said that we have 100 problems to do. I mean I was used to work but I was not used to overnighters. Last Friday we had our first test and I got a B. Normally I would not think that this is a bad grade but now my grade for the class is a B. When my parents find out I am going to be killed. Math homework is crazy, we have alot of problems and the teacher only take 5 minutes to teach the lesson. I absolutely love math, and I am good at it to, but this class is an overload. I spend 3 hours a night just doing my math homework and it is making me stress out. This year I need to get all A's just like all of my years in the past but this math class is making me so stressed and doubtful. I need to find a balance between homework, friends,church, and my family. At the moment Math is basically taking over my whole like and it is stressing me out because I am working so hard so that I can get my A. For this whole week I need to distance myself from my friends because I have a huge test this Thursday and I need to study extra hard because it will bring up my grades tremendously. My official new best friend is my Math Book :)

Hypocrite

About 4 months ago my uncle taught me a lesson that did not really stick in my head, this lesson was about hypercritical people. He told me and my sister that we are hypocrites, and once I thought about that, he was right. I acted differently at school then I did at home and I definitely acted differently at church. So I thought to myself, what is so bad about being a hypocrite. I mean being a hypocrite just meant that you act a certain way with certain people,it means that you have multiple personalities. This week I finally comprehended the object of the lesson that he was trying to teach, okay that was a lie. I still can't comprehend how being a hypocrite is a bad thing, but in some form I think that being a hypocrite is not exactly what God intended you to be. Last night was when I actually started worrying, I decided that I wasn't going to be a hypocrite anymore and that I was going to just be me. When suddenly a scary thought came into my head, I don't know my own true personality. I have been living a lie for so long that I forgot the truth. I haven't been my weird wacky self since I started Junior High, because in Junior High you have to have a certain image. So, if I don't know what my own personality is, then how can I only be my personality and not keep changing it with different people. At this time in my life I am very uncertain of what to do next. I keep thinking, what was my personality before all of the bad stuff changed me, I am trying so hard to remember that it gives me a headache. So now for the moment I am in a dead end, until suddenly I retrace my steps and God sets me free.

What a Life :)

Last night while I was lying in bed I thought to myself, how much time of my life do I stop and enjoy it. I thought about this for a long while last night and repeated over and over in my head my schedule for the week; First I go to school, and remember that is seven periods to sit through. Then I come home,and every night I spend at the very least, doing three hours of homework. After that I take a shower and go to bed. Now how much of that time do I spend praiseing God, or praying. In my head I concluded that I only spend 2 hours a week praiseing and learning about God. The only reason that I learn and praise for two hours is because I go to church. If I cant even get as much time as I want in for God, then how am I supposed to enjoy my life if my life is going by so quikly. Every single adult that I know has said to me enjoy being a kid while you can, or don't grow up to fast. I dont know how to stop growing up so fast everyday,every hour,every week, and every month goes by with great spead. I dont know how to make time stand still for just one moment, thats what I would wish for if I had one wish. I would wish for time to just stand still, even if only for a moment. Everyday of my life I want to stop and pray or stop and have fun, instead all that I am ever doing now, is work and trying to look good so that everyone at my school will like me. For the past week this has been weighing heavy on my heart and I would like everyone who reads this to know that you dont need to have time stand still, all that you need to do is enjoy life as it is going fast.